journey to complete our family

Lately I've been getting asked a lot of questions about why we have adopted and the journey we've been on. I guess I'm ready to tell the story now. It's a long one, so I won't be offended if you don't want to read it all. Brian wanted two kids, I wanted three...(he came from a family with three and I came from a family with two). Brian said he was fine with three and then a close friend said someone would always be left out that we should have an even number. It then became four. We always said we'd adopt number four...an Asian girl with pigtails named Kinsey. These conversations all took place when we first got married. We waited three years before trying to get pregnant and soon discovered it was easier said than done. I was on Clomid for a while....I won't go into all of it, but the month before I got pregnant I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism which can be a cause of infertility. Once I was medicated I became pregnant with Cailey. About six months after she was born we started thinking about baby #2. (We figured it would take a while again.) I went back on Clomid....a HIGH dose for a LONG time. During all of this we were moving, jobless, insurance-less, and even homeless at one point. I just kept taking Clomid even though I wasn't under a doctors care...we paid for it out of pocket. Desperation is a great word for how we felt. At the time I was completely CLOSED to pursuing any further infertility drugs. We decided to adopt from China, but found out that we were too young, so we chose Korea instead. Then we got our second blessing, Braden:). Adopting from Korea was VERY expensive and we thought the only way we'd get another baby was by getting pregnant again....and I really wanted to have another baby. So back on the Clomid I went (this time with a doctor's supervision). After six months on it we were pretty discouraged and I was sure it just wouldn't work. It was during this time that God made financial provision that would allow us to adopt again. A few months after Kinsey came home I had some tests done that showed there was nothing to explain my infertility. I was devestated! I want a reason for everything...because in my head we can fix the problem if we know what's wrong. In November of 2006 I started giving myself injections to get pregnant. We were doing IUI's at first because it's so much less invasive than IVF. I had to go to the doctor every morning for two weeks out of the month before work (at 7:30am) for lab work and ultrasounds. We had to travel to a nearby city and take off work to have the procedure done. How could it not work? It made total sense in my head...of COURSE it was going to work! There was nothing wrong with either one of us, so there was no reason for it to not work. It didn't work. We decided to go for the IVF. Same thing basically...until the procedure. It still involved a couple shots a day, daily visits for lab work (more needles) and ultrasounds. Oh yeah...and did I mention that one of the drugs caused me to gain at least 10 lbs a month and gave me short term memory loss? (Which STILL has not come back.) I knew that IVF had to work because once again...I was under 30, in good shape, and had no reason for it not to work! Eggs...meet sperm in a dish....attach...no problem. When you take these injections they make your body produce a LOT of eggs at once. You need to have at least 4 eggs in order for them to do the IVF surgery. Four is actually on the low side because not all of them will turn out good. They would have only put one or two fertilized eggs back in because we only wanted one more child and they were on the cautious side. The problem this time? After MONTHS of taking all these drugs I only produced ONE good egg! ONE!!! They would NOT do the IVF with only egg. I convinced the doctor to please do IUI so I wouldn't feel like I wasted more time, money, pain, emotional suffering, etc. He agreed. This time I didn't think it would work. We had tried IUI for months to no avail....but I was determined for my one egg to not 'go to waste'. Guess what??? It worked!! I couldn't believe it? It was my miracle! We were finally getting the baby we desired to complete our family! Perfect right?...two biological, two adopted...everyone would have someone else who looked like them. The perfect plan lasted only a few weeks before we were devastated once again. Miscarriage. The second one in our journey. I couldn't do it again. I couldn't risk that pain or wait and count EVERY day of EVERY month watching time pass. Pain. Crying. God. Hope. Healing. Adoption. God put Brian and I in the same place at the same time. We were ready to adopt again. At different points during the infertility treatments we were both SO closed to adoption again. By last May we were ready. The biological child we both desired just wasn't going to happen. God had another baby in mind for us....or did HE? Because of the funds we decided to adopt from here (USA) this time. I was VERY skeptical because I didn't like the idea of a 'popularity' contest where the adoptive parents look through albums and choose the family. (I understand why they do it, it's just hard to be on the end of not getting chosen.) We didn't care about the race except I was REALLY hoping for a bi racial baby. Everyone we knew who had used this agency had gotten their babies within a few months of turning their paperwork in. We expected to have a baby no later than September of 2007. It's almost May. Almost a year later. NO baby here yet. Our homestudy runs out in November and we will not be doing an update. This is the time I am truly learning about God's timing...not MY timing. God's will....not MY will. I don't know what the outcome will be, but I have peace with our family of five. We are all healthy. I do wish I knew what was going to happen....but I don't. Please pray for our hearts....and the baby that God MAY have for us OR for more peace. This is our journey.... it's been a long one...with three blessings so far...